


Where did she come from, Where did she go? Is she okay? And how do you know?

by goresmores



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Trans Female Character, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 12:33:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4835501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goresmores/pseuds/goresmores
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>god, i hope most of this makes sense bc i gave up editing after awhile. ive been looking at this for like, 4 straight hours? and extra time doing that by editing is not something i feel like doing so maybe tomorrow or something? (it IS tomorrow) </p><p>on the bright side!! i made my september fic! i almost thought i wasnt gonna make the deadline and i was wrackin my brain for shit to write and here we are! the one fic a month streak continues!! thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Where did she come from, Where did she go? Is she okay? And how do you know?

**Author's Note:**

> god, i hope most of this makes sense bc i gave up editing after awhile. ive been looking at this for like, 4 straight hours? and extra time doing that by editing is not something i feel like doing so maybe tomorrow or something? (it IS tomorrow) 
> 
> on the bright side!! i made my september fic! i almost thought i wasnt gonna make the deadline and i was wrackin my brain for shit to write and here we are! the one fic a month streak continues!! thanks for reading!

She didn't have to force the delicate looking smile that graced her lips. Looking into the mirror, she really wanted to cry. In this dress, it was hard to tell if she was beautiful or ugly as hell, pure elation and dejection warring with one another quite similar to two people of nearly equal strength tugging on a rope with one person on either end. 

She saw and felt the tears form in the corner of her eyes and when she brought a hand up to wipe them away, she inspected her hand. Was the hand as delicate as her smile? Was she even really that delicate at all? 

The tears rolled down her face as she failed to wipe them away before they could fall. 

She sat down on her bed, the fabric making a slight rustle noise as she sat. When she caught sight of her feet below her, she huffed. Looking down was wrong. Looking forward was an illusion and hope was a wasted effort to keep. 

✾ ✾ ✾

Daichi realized it as early as his first year in high school. He wasn't as straight as he should have been. 

He liked girls, sure, because girls were pretty and most of the time, nice. But the same could be said about guys too. Some of them could be pretty, some you'd really describe more as handsome and most of the time, they too could be nice people. 

He felt bad about it, at first, his poor ash blond teammate setting to him while completely unaware of Daichi's perverted feelings towards him. He'd hate him if he knew, surely. 

As time went on, they became better friends and he wasn't just a name and a face, but a real person with hopes and dreams and goals and Daichi knew he couldn't call it a crush after a year of being with him. A crush you could have when you didn't know much about them. It was such a distant thing. A crush was unknowing and childish. No. Sawamura Daichi was in love with Sugawara. 

He didn't feel bad about it anymore, not as often, anyway. He still felt bad about Koushi being so ignorant of his feelings. He felt bad that it had to be one of his best friends that he was in love with and sometimes, he was worried he was just disgusting for liking men. 

If he told Yui, Asahi and Koushi, would they accept him for being bi? 

Daichi had managed to surround himself with beautiful and caring friends— even if Asahi could be a bit spineless and often lacked real presence— they were some of the nicest people he had ever met and as if he didn't enough to feel bad about already— he felt bad for not trusting them like he felt that he should. 

A voice cut into Daichi's thoughts and he looked to his left, where he felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, “Sawamura, are you okay?” 

“Hm? Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Did I worry you?” 

Suga gave him a tentative smile, “A bit, yes. You were thinking pretty hard, it looked like. Do you have anything you need or want to talk about?” 

_I love you so much._ Daichi did his best to give Suga a reassuring smile, “No, I'm alright. It's just... sometimes living is hard, you know?” 

Sugawara gave him a worried look. 

“I don't mean anything bad by it! Just, maybe as a teenager, I guess. There's so much to worry about and so much you have to learn and do all the time and it all sort of starts to... engulf you.” 

Feeling bad, school, volleyball, chores, worry, the fear of becoming an adult even though Sawamura figures he's almost as ready as he'll ever be. 

All of it is a lot and it's all apart of his everyday. 

Sugawara looked a bit relieved when he said it wasn't bad, but when he mentioned the rest, his expression shifted to understanding. 

“A teenage thing, then?” 

“I don't know... maybe it's an everyone thing and some people just hide it better than others.” As soon as he finished saying that, the bell signaling the end of lunch went off. “That's class then! Maybe we can talk later, Sawamura!” And with that, Suga went to his seat, leaving Daichi alone with a new thought. 

_'Maybe it's an everyone thing and some people just hide it better than others.' … Even Sugawara?_

✿ ✿ ✿ 

She had only one. Just one dress. It wasn't even her dress, because she didn't wear dresses very often. Not at all, really. She wasn't confident enough to wear a dress and therefore she didn't. 

She'd done more standing in front of the mirror than ever before, but maybe that was because the dress was new. The elation was new. It was all so new, and sometimes it was wonderful! And other times... it was terrible. 

It hurt to see. 

She wasn't pretty. 

Her reflection was suffering. 

It showed who she was inside, and inside, she was crying, she was pulling at her own hair and the sound of her own sobbing echoed off the walls of her bedroom. 

_She, she, she-_

_Cute, pretty- beautiful!_

_Talented and delicate!_

The dress felt itchy and it was uncomfortable. 

Pulling it off as quickly as she could, she threw it away from her, the dress rustling slightly as it hit the wall and fell to the floor.

 

She was none of those things. 

✾ ✾ ✾

Sugawara tapped his pencil again his book. 

He kept tapping until he realized he wasn't even looking at the homework sheet in front of him, and thinking on it, he hadn't been for some time now. He was distracted and it wasn't going away. 

He was worried about Daichi, as ironic as it was, considering their conversation was about worrying and now here he was. But of course Suga would be worried- Daichi was not only his best friend, but someone he was in love with as well.

_'There's so much to worry about and so much you have to learn and do all the time and it all sort of starts to... engulf you.'_

What could Daichi be thinking about that makes him feel so... engulfed? 

It was amazing to Sugawara how close you could be someone and how much of a mystery they could remain. They'd known each other for three years and Sugawara didn't know the things that Daichi worried about on a personal level. 

He worried about passing tests, he worried about if it was going to rain tomorrow and if he should bring an umbrella or not, he worried about his sideburns looking alright and not too messy because Daichi didn't like looking messy and even if he didn't say it, sometimes Koushi was sure he was worried about being a good captain, though he wasn't certain since Sawamura had never even made any sort of vocal hint towards it. He could just tell, especially after Daichi's speeches. 

That last one was personal, but the others were sort of trivial. They were part of Daichi, but still... 

Daichi... 

Sugawara rested his head on his arms and closed his eyes. His desk lamp was warm and he was sleepy. 

It wasn't hard to fall asleep like that, and fall asleep he did, thinking of Daichi until everything went dark in his mind. 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

Daichi thought about what Sugawara said and was caught at a mental fork in the road. 

He could risk asking about Sugawara's feelings towards gay people or he could just continue to keep silent. To keep his feelings hidden. To himself safe, even if he suffered in that safety of silence.

It was everywhere in fiction. 

Tell your best friend you're gay or that you like them and that's where the difference comes in. Sometimes, they're accepted and maybe they don't requite, but they accept. Other times, they'll requite and they'll get together. It's happy and that's the end. But then... sometimes they run away. They avoid. Sometimes they'll even insult the other and call them a homo or something worse, even. 

_Sugawara isn't like that._

He tells himself so, but he can't help the doubt that worms its way into his confidence in that statement. 

_What if he actually is? Then what?_

Then he loses him. 

Daichi doesn't want that, but then, he decides, being around someone who's homophobic isn't for him. So maybe he really should do it. He should lay it all out and see what happens and if he loses him, then that's fine, because he doesn't need that negativity in his life. 

There's his decision then. 

Now it's time to actually follow through. 

He adjusts his collar and takes a deep breath. 

Here goes nothing then. 

✿ ✿ ✿

Daichi keeps looking at him like he wants to say something and yet, he hasn't hasn't said a word. He looks to Sugawara and then around, then down at his hands before looking to Sugawara again. 

He opens his mouth again and just when he's about to shut it, Sugawara speaks up. 

“Daichi, if you have something to say, say it. You're torturing me here, seriously.” He smiles at him in a way that he hopes Daichi will understand he means in a helpful way and not in a harsh way. 

“R-right. Uhm... Can I talk to you somewhere else? Like... on the roof...top... maybe?” 

Sugawara goes to stand. “Of course.” He doesn't mention that he thinks Daichi has been reading too much manga, suggesting the rooftop the way he did. 

Sugawara wonders after they're almost there why he's the one leading the way when Daichi was the one who asked if they could talk there but he ignores it, wondering what it could be he wants to talk about here. 

Daichi really is a mystery to him, isn't he? 

When they make it to the roof, Suga holds the door open for him and Daichi looks away, which is odd, Suga thinks, but he doesn't mention that either. 

“So, what's up?” 

“I can't think of a good way to build up to it, even though I've been thinking about it all morning, so I'll just ask, I guess... Suga, how do you feel about gay people?” 

When the question is out there, Sugawara takes a minute to think. He has to be careful about how he responds. 

Could Daichi be asking because he's gay? Or maybe he's homophobic and he's just trying to find out if Sugawara backs him on that or not. 

But then... the roof. Maybe it's more important than looking for a supporter in his homophobia. 

“I don't have a problem with them at all.” 

Daichi looks shocked. “Wait- Really?!” 

Sugawara raises an eyebrow at his friend, not really sure what to take from that reaction. 

“...Yeah?” 

“Oh God.” He seemed to be sighing in relief. “So I worried for nothing. Well, partly for nothing, I guess.”

“You worried about me being homophobic?” 

“Well, of course I would. I'm bisexual.” 

“I... did not see that one coming. Wow. Sawamura Daichi, you sure know how to surprise someone.” 

Daichi blushed at his words and averted his direct look. 

“But well, the surprise doesn't end there...”

Hold on to your hats folks, who knows what this is going to be? Even if one part of the mystery that is, Sawamura Daichi was solved when he came out, this could be anything.

“I kind of... might be in love with you, Suga.” 

Now it was Suga's turn to look away, his arm across his chest and gripping his other upper arm. 

“I want to be honest with you, Daichi.” God that sounded really bad and it really only got worse. “I like you too... but I'm confused right now. Not about what's going on, but just... with myself. I'm not really sure whether I'm gay or not. I might not be sure, but I can guess it's not great to have the person you like ask if they can try out being gay with you... So, if you want to say no, then I understand, but if you're okay with it then...” Really, it was more complicated than that, but Suga wasn't ready to explain how just yet. He gave Daichi a quick glance.

Daichi seemed like he was considering it but it was hard to decide. 

“I... I guess? That would be fine...” 

“Are you really sure?” 

Daichi paused, but eventually answered with “Yes. I'm sure.” 

Sugawara nodded and dropped his arm. “Okay.” He almost wanted to cry. He was dating his best friend and someone he had figured out he'd been in love with for a few months now. It was a little overwhelming and it filled him up as much as it felt like it drained him. 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Sugawara smiled, “Please do.” 

They stepped towards each other and Daichi pulled him near. Their faces were close together and Sugawara noticed the inch gap in their height. Daichi was taller than him. Daichi had a sharp jaw and tan skin and buff arms and when he pulled Sugawara that last bit closer, sealing their lips together. Daichi was so different, and Sugawara realized this was something he didn't know he wanted until now. 

He had a lot of thinking to do later, and even if it should have been, it was not about homework. 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

Daichi is euphoric as he and Koushi walk home. They talk about nothing, the same as usual, but now there's a difference that he can't ignore. 

They're _dating._

And it feels different. There's an air of newness to everything and between them and he loves it. He love the newness. He loves Sugawara and Sugawara might love him back. He said he was confused, but he looks almost as happy as Daichi probably looks. 

When they come to the split in the road where they part ways, Koushi looks around. 

“One for the road?” 

It takes Daichi a moment to understand, but he nods and they lean in to give each other a quick peck on the lips before they part. 

“Goodbye, Daichi.” 

“Bye, Suga.” 

They smile and wave goodbye and Daichi turns to make his way to his house. 

✿ ✿ ✿

She wants to go out. 

She feels more confident and she doesn't quite know what to chalk it up to, but the confidence, for once, is there. 

She wants to relish in it. 

She wants to take a risk. 

She knows she can be beautiful. Making off with a few of her mother's things of make-up and of course, her dress. 

Youtube videos can help with make-up and she practices a bit before she feels even more confident in her decision. 

She's going to go out and she's going to taste the beauty of the world, and maybe, if she's in her dress, she can soak it up and she can feel beautiful too. 

✾ ✾ ✾

They've been dating for a week and Daichi is a little worried. Suga's been a little off for the past couple of days and he can't tell what it is. All he can do is trust that Suga can resolve it and then, if it doesn't happen soon, then he'll ask about it. 

Still, he can't ignore the intense expression on his boyfriend's face. 

He seems so focused but so unfocused at the same time. His mind is running away and no one is bothering to catch up, but Daichi wants to, if he can. He wants to know what's going on inside his boyfriend's head because he wants to understand and know when he should act and when he shouldn't. He wants to do anything and everything that he can, no matter what. Anything that Sugawara will let him. 

He feels far away, in this moment. So far away. And maybe he's getting farther. 

All of this, yet he's only 2 rows of desks away, not giving a thought to the food going into his mouth and only on whatever is running through that beautiful mind of his. 

 

Later, when they're walking home, Daichi goes to say something, but Sugawara doesn't notice. Doesn't tell him to say what he's thinking. 

They've been silent the whole way home, and Daichi isn't sure how to feel. 

They part ways, Suga giving a small wave and leaving Daichi to walk towards his house. 

At home, he makes something to eat before opening up his backpack and pulling out his homework. As he's working on his math, he can't help his wandering mind and he realizes that he doesn't want Suga to run away from him. 

He wants to catch up and help if he can. And if not, then at least he bothered to ask. 

The silent walk home was unpleasant and he can't just leave that be. 

Pulling on his shoes and a jacket, Daichi make his way out the front door. 

✿ ✿ ✿

She's doing it! She's really doing it! She almost can't believe herself! 

A face that's modestly made up, bangs pinned down with a clip she borrowed from her mother and eyes bright as she smoothes out the fabric of the blue dress. It's a bit chilly outside, so she pulled out her light blue scarf and settled it neatly around her neck. 

She was... beautiful. Or so she hoped. 

She still found it hard to be confident sometimes. 

But she looks better than she ever has before and at least she can give herself credit for that much. 

Turning on her heel, she goes to the front door without fear. She's home alone again, since her mother is busy working until late tonight, just just like every other night. 

She hesitates at the doorknob. 

_It's a twist and I'm out. I can be beautiful, with nature as my backdrop._

_Just... open the door._

She opens the door and her world comes shattering down around her. 

She's not beautiful. She might not ever be. 

She is he. And he is face to face with his boyfriend who has a hand raised to knock, a jaw that has dropped and eyes that have widened. 

“ _Suga?_ ”

Suga's not sure what to do but he's pretty sure he might be having a panic attack. Breathe, just breathe, right? But that's easier said than done when you can't seem to catch the air long enough. He's hyperventilating and he feel his hands trembling but he doesn't know what to do with them. His hands are shaking, he can't breathe and he can feel his heart beating wildly, clogging up his ears so he can't hear anything and puking seems like it could be a very real thing right now. 

Daichi is staring at him dumbly, not sure what to do either, probably. 

“Suga, Suga please calm down, it's okay.” He has his hands up in a placating gesture but Sugawara can't focus, between everything that's happening at once and the tears that are blurring his vision. 

_It's not okay, it's wrong._

Daichi shuts the door and his arms wrap around Suga, who can't resist— doesn't even want to. 

Sawamura Daichi is steady. His steadiness calms the tremors and he helps Sugawara become steady too. 

As Daichi continues to hold him, he can feel everything calming. The sound is coming back, the trembling is stopping, his heartbeat is slowing and he can breathe again. 

He feels... a little dead inside. 

“Are you okay?” 

“No.” 

“Suga, it's alright.” 

“It's not.” 

Daichi cradles him closer and continues to speak, “I'm sorry that I found out like this, because if you had been ready to tell me, you probably wouldn't have had a panic attack, but trust me when I tell you it's okay. You're okay now.” 

Suga doesn't know to say. 

Is it okay? Is it really? 

“Daichi I... I'm not a boy, I'm just... I'm not...” 

“And that's okay.” 

He's going to cry again. Actually, he _is_ crying again. 

Suga's voice is somewhat unclear as he speaks into Daichi's arm, “But how?” 

“You're not alone. There are lots of people who are like you, they're called 'transgender' and it's completely normal, okay? Please don't hate yourself for this. You're beautiful and I love you so much.” 

Suga is officially sobbing into Daichi's sleeve. Her sobs are ugly but she's okay with that. Crying is never pretty. But she is. She's not just pretty, no— she's _beautiful._

Daichi peppers her with kisses and she cries even more because she never imagined she could deserve everything that she has. 

“Thank you, thank you so much, Daichi. Thank you, thank you!” Suga hugs her boyfriend tightly and she never wants to let go of him. He's a keeper for sure and she loves him so much. 

 

When she finally stops crying again, Daichi gives her one last kiss. 

“Why don't you fix your make-up and we can go for a walk. That's what you were going to do, weren't you?” 

She nods, not trusting herself to speak just in case she starts to cry again. 

Pulling herself from his lap, she pulls him up and takes him with her back to her room where she lets him sit on her bed and watch as she puts it on. 

Daichi watches in fascination and she smiles as she reapplies her mascara. 

“I think we should go to the store. I don't really know which one and I don't really care which one but it has to be one that sells clothing.” Suga says, recapping the mascara brush.

“What for?” 

“To buy a new dress.” 

“Ah. How about two new dresses then?” 

Suga gives Daichi a questioning look. “Huh?” 

“You buy one and I'll buy you a second one.” 

Suga blushed and turned away from him, “No, no. You don't have to do that, that's...” 

“But Suga, I _want_ to.” 

“I...” 

“Oh, whoa whoa whoa, no tears! You just put your mascara on!”

“I can't help it! You're so stupid and nice and great and...!”

Daichi gives her a kiss on the lips and she blushes, but doesn't continue to speak. 

“Before we go, though, I think we should stop by my house? I have make-up on my jacket.” 

“Sorry...” 

“Don't be.” 

✾ ✾ ✾

After the dresses were bought, Sugawara washed and folded the blue dress she had worn all those times before. 

“Daichi, I... I need you to come with me.” 

“Okay.” 

He didn't ask where they were going. He just followed behind, and for that, Suga was thankful. She didn't want to start crying before got to their destination because that would look bad (plus she was wearing make-up again and that was not a mess she felt like cleaning up for a second time). 

When they got to where they needed to be, Sugawara led them up the steps to the front door. 

She rang the doorbell and Kiyoko answered, just like Suga has hoped she would. 

“Shimizu, I'm very sorry!” 

She bowed and held out the blue dress. 

“I stole this from you and I'm here to give it back. I shouldn't have done that and I'm very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.” 

If there was one thing Suga and Daichi knew about Kiyoko, it was that she wasn't an idiot. 

Suga was in one of her new dresses, her face was made up and Daichi was standing behind her. 

“No. Keep it.” 

Suga straightened herself. 

“Wai— wha?” 

“Keep the dress.” 

“But it's...” 

“It's not mine anymore because I'm giving it to you, Suga. Please keep it and treasure it.” 

Crap, here they came again. 

The tears built up and spilled over. 

“C-can I hug you, Shimizu?” 

She nodded and Suga hugged her. Kiyoko hugged her back and in that moment, things got even better than they were before. 

She had more people to come out, if she chose to to come out them, anyway. Not all might accept her like these two have...

But Suga is happy with just this much for now.

**Author's Note:**

> i kinda wanna explain a few things about this that im not sure i made very clear. when suga says shes not sure shes gay, its because as a girl, she wouldnt really be gay in wanting to date guys- shed be straight. and when it comes to the part about not realizing how much she likes that her and daichi are different is because being shorter, not quite as buff or strong jawed as daichi is makes her feel more feminine and while she was in love with daichi, she hadnt considered that part when she thought about him.
> 
> just wanted to throw that out there! thanks for reading!!


End file.
